I was at a weekend conference recently where a speaker in one of the afternoon breakout sessions gave a workshop focusing on forgiveness, who we forgive, when we forgive and how we forgive; were main concerns in the group. There were other concerns as well, such as self-forgiveness, and forgiveness of people long dead, and what about institutional forgiveness. I thought I might be able to gain some insight in this ninety minute session. I don’t think I went in believing that I would come out with the answer but I did hope that I would begin to understand forgiveness in a slightly better way.
I think I do.
Several times recently I have seen on Facebook a photo posting of a dinner plate broken into about six or more pieces along with a caption that read something like this, “after I dropped the plate on the tile floor I told it I was sorry, but look it’s still a mess!” Nothing will make the plate whole again, nor does anything heal a heart broken by an offense perpetrated, forgiveness does not make everything “all better”. It only begins a healing process.
I think I came out of that session a little enlightened; at least I came out realizing that sometimes nothing can make it “all better”.
One point the speaker did make is that a harm done to or by another person is similar to the grieving process we go through when someone we know dies. There is a grief process which we must experience. The closer we have known someone, the longer, the more intimate the relationship the deeper the pain and sorrow in the realization of the loss. The same with a wrong perpetrated against us, the closer the person, the intimate the wrong, the longer we are invested in the situation; the more difficult it is to allow the pain to be released. The important thing to realize though is that it will never be the same. The pain is there it is real, seeking forgiveness, or forgiving another person, is only the funeral service, the memorial service where the hurt is formerly acknowledged and the grieving process begun. The formality helps but it does not “make it all better.” It begins but it never completes the process. It may satisfy some need in our spirit but it does not forever heal the wrong.
If it is someone long dead from whom we must seek forgiveness, or to whom we must offer forgiveness then we must also accept that we may never have the opportunity to confront the situation but we can realize that there is a letting go process we can go through that is very similar to the letting go we must do when a loved one dies.
That process begins when we acknowledge that each person is created in the image of God, or that there is in each person the presence of the sacred, or there is, in the life of every person, a sacred gift. A gift that is sometimes difficult to see and appreciate, but a gift none-the-less. Our acceptance of that one bit of information, our acknowledgement of the “god-Presence” in all and of all and realizing too that each of us is broken; is the beginning of peace in our lives.
Blessings friends!
